Chapter 44

Mark's POV

Shifting closer towards the embarrassed looking man, gently i rest a hand onto his kneecap giving it a firm squeeze. "What was that for?" Calmly i ask, tilting my head onto one side.
"Something I've been needing to do...for a while...to make sure..." Still something doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm just over thinking, but Gary's expression looks as if he's in two minds. Regret maybe?
"Make sure, what?"
"I'm making the right decision. I've missed you, but i don't want to rush things... will you be OK with that? I understand after everything if you say no."
Shaking my head, playfully i tap his thigh. "I'll give you all the time you need, just so as long as we're a family... I love you, Gary." Softly a smile appears at the corners of his mouth.
"Come here..." Bringing his hand into contact with my face, it runs through the side of my hair whilst resting against my cheek. Our lips crash against one anothers again, this time more powerful causing my hand to leave his leg where now my arms wrap around the back of his neck, bringing the pair of us closer. The only sound which can be heard is the faint vibrations of the music on the other side of the door and our light buzzes of moans during the kiss. All tension leaves my body, kissing Gary feels a natural thing and I've certainly been craving those lips.

What feels like forever, the kiss soon comes to an end as the door swings open allowing the music to come blasting into the room. Gary is first to pull away to inspect the intruder. "Oh...er...s...sorry..." The female nervously stutters at the door frame.
"No, don't be sorry love... is everything OK?" Releasing me from his arms, Gary narrows a brow into the woman's direction. Turning my head and pulling back my arms, Yasmin smiles sweetly at the pair of us.
"I just wanted to let you know, Rob's five minutes away... and the guests are getting ready to hide...are you guys coming or?"
"Actually-"
"Yeah, of course." Cutting into my sentence, Gary stands to his feet, without even bothering to look back at me he walks out of the room. Leaving behind a very confused me.
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The party has been going on for over two hours now, Rob is sitting at one end of the room with a slab of chocolate cake on his plate, his fork breaks it in half as he continues his quiet chatter with Jonny and a few of the guests. Picking up my jacket i slide it onto my arms, before walking through the partly crowded kitchen. At the moment for some reason i feel suffocated in there. Without looking too rude leaving the party without a say so, i decide to take a stroll down the garden. The cool breeze knocks my neatly styled hair out of place. Not that i care how i look at the minute. Stepping onto the grass, the wetness of the rain from the previous night soaks through my socks. Reaching into my jacket pocket, i pull out a square box followed by an dark blue lighter. The now open box hits against the palm of my hand a couple of times until a single cigarette tumbles out. Placing it into my mouth, i flick my thumb against the wheel of the lighter, until the end of my cigarette glows a burning orange. Its much more peaceful out here, thankfully I'm alone which gives me time to clear up a few things in my head. Taking a long drag of the cigarette, with a sigh i breathe the smoke out through my mouth and nose. I actually stopped smoking for about a year which was mainly down to Gary, he use to bang on about my health because of my smoking and with a child in mind, i decided to give it up. Sadly during our break up i needed something for my nerves especially whilst going insane in Rehab, cigarettes were my only comfort, along with writing pages of lyrics for my new solo album and of course stuffing my face with chocolate. Staring up at the shining stars in the pitch black sky, my thoughts knock out the surroundings. "Hey..." Drifting along the wind a single word is spoken.

Spinning around on my heels, my free arm wraps around my own waist as the cigarette sits on my lips. The blonde fights his way through the long uncut grass until he reaches me. Immediately, his eyes fix onto the half smoked cigarette in my hand and a smudge of disappointment fills his face. "I didn't know you still did that..." With frowning lips, he speaks.
"Yeah, me neither... but sometimes you need a comfort..." Dropping it into a puddle on the floor, with a fizz the orange glow fades out.
"You alright...?"
"Yeah, you?" I lie.
Gary walks over to the empty wooden bench behind me, where he uncomfortably sits on the wet oak. "Uh huh... things are kinda getting mad in there... so i decided to come out for some fresh air, didn't know you had the same idea."
"Had to pull myself away from that cake, otherwise I'll be the size of a house... at least cigarettes stop me from over eating."
"You? Putting on weight?" Gary shakes his head as a faint smile lights up his face. "Impossible, I've always been jealous of your figure."
Shyly i brush my way beside him onto the bench. "Er...wouldn't be so sure about that."

"So...what are you really doing out here? Without any shoes on that is..." Pointing at my wet socks, its hard to believe they use to be white a few hours ago, noticing them now covered in mud.
"Needed some alone time... sometime to think things over..."
A lump forms in Gary's throat as he swallows hard from my words. "D...Do you want me to go?"
"I didn't mean that." Bluntly i reply, rubbing my thumbs together. Even though I'm not looking up at the person next to me, i can feel his eyes burning at the side of my head.
"Have i upset you, Mark? I thought you would be happy... i told you it wouldn't be easy."
"Its not that. Its not that at all. I'm happy... i want to be happy...its just-"
"What?" Gary crosses his leg over the other.

Looking back up into the sky, exhaling a deep audible breath, there's a strange feeling around, which i can't seem to put my finger on. "It doesn't feel like you want this."
"I already said, haven't i? What more do you want?" There he goes again, acting all strange. This isn't my Gary, this is the person Gary turned into back in the 90's. The Gary who use to get annoyed over the slightest things and take them out on the closest person to him. The Gary who couldn't care less about anyone else or their feelings. Sure i loved that Gary also, but i love the Gary i fell head over heels for. The Gary who is sweet, kind, charming, loving, selfless, funny...the list goes on.
"You've been avoiding me all night, Gary. Even more so after the kiss."
"Bollocks." He grunts under a sketchy breath filled with bitterness. Stretching my eyes over his remark, shocked is an understatement. Yes, he's swore many times in front of me and yes its not like i don't do it myself, but the tone of his voice is the reason for me to be upset. Gary picks up on my upset by taking one look into my eyes. "S...S...sorry i didn't mean that..." Twiddling his thumbs like a child who's about to get yelled at by his Mother, guilt now sounds in his voice. "Its just...its been a while... the thoughts of... you and her will never leave my mind, but I'm willing to take the time and get on with our lives... so as long as you will be patient with me."
Nodding my head, a soundless groan leaves my parted lips. "I've been fighting none stop to have you back in my life, Gaz. I'm not about to throw it away due to the streaks of anger, i understand i really do." Patting the top of his hand, i stroke his knuckles with my thumb.
"We've got all the time to get to know one another again... lets just relax and have a normal conversation without us ripping one anothers heads off, yeah?" Gary silently chuckles.

Time ticks on and its gone midnight before we know it. We sit beside each other underneath the sheltered bench at the end of the garden, as the rain pours from the sky hitting against the plastic roof. "Have you been getting up to anything lately then?"
"Not really." Sipping from my glass of apple juice, my hand rests at the back of my head. "Just finishing the album which should be out around June- ish."
"So you finally decided to go ahead with it? That's great to hear. Lucky you finding the time to put pen to paper."
"Well lucky for you for not ending up sending yourself to Rehab." I laugh to myself. "I had to do something before i ended up hanging myself. " Rolling my eyes, Gary stares at me in a shocked way by my sly comment. "I didn't mean that, Gaz. The place just bored me to tears, that's all." Even thinking about Rehab it still sends a shiver down my spine and a sickness in my stomach.
"Still its not nice to hear..." Speaking as quiet as possible, i merely hear his response under the blowing storm up above. Swiftly changing the subject, i focus more onto Gary's life.
"So... any up coming gigs for you? Did you manage to change those lyrics you were trying to write back last month?"
Gary curls up his lip and shakes his head horizontally. "Thrown myself back into X Factor instead, at least it gives my head a break. Constant thinking was driving me up the wall, not that i could concentrate anyway." His lips wrap around the rim of his green beer bottle.
"Oh really? That's good to hear... it will be nice to see someone with sense speaking on TV." Cringing at my own comment, i nudge my elbow lightly against Gary's hip.
"Er...thanks? The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the bloody photo shoots. Its been a while since I've had one and the mornings aren't pretty either, should be catching up on my sleep whilst i can, ay?"
"You seem to enjoy them to me. Well not as much as me and you're no Howard when it comes to photo shoots, at least we've finally found someone as grumpy as you." I snigger by my own comment, which causes Gary to give me a scolding type of look followed by a faint smile. "Besides, who could cope with a bunch of screaming women? Who would even want a job like that?" Sarcastically i roll my eyes.

"Alright Owen, i get your point. I have a pretty sound job. It gets me out of the house and helps me to focus on other things other than constant heartache. I guess its a win win really. When are you planning on touring? Before or after the album?"
Shrugging my shoulders i drum my fingers against my knee. "Thinking about doing it before...maybe next month...or in a couple of weeks? Just to give them a teaser of the album, but i don't know, Gary. I don't think I've gained enough confidence since my last album and jeez that was eight or nine years ago. Why did i bother again? I mean i should be focusing on our child... er...children... not albums which aren't going to sell."
"Enough of that." Gary interrupts, hushing me with a hand in front of my face. "You're going to do fine. I don't know what the songs are like, whether they are a different style to the ones you have previously written for a solo album or if it has that Take That feel to it, but i know one thing for sure and your fans also. You're a musical genius. You're a perfectionist. Now that gives you an advantage straightaway. If anyone criticises you, then they're right numpties who are missing out on music with actual meaning, not none of this hip hop R 'n' B crap which sounds like a robot breaking down." Bursting into laughter over Gary's sentence, I've missed his grumpy side and hatred against the modern world, the twenty first century. "I mean it Mark. You're a very talented man, with or without the band. You can do this."
"I sure hope so, Gaz. I wish i could believe you, but i can't until i see it for myself. My fanbase is a lot different than yours, fewer in fact. I'd be lucky to sell out in a tent."
"Then I'll come." Gary adds, knocking the glum look from my face.
"You, what?"
"I'll come. I'll come to support you. Its been a while since I've been to a gig anyway, so I'll look forward in hearing your new songs."
"Wow, thank you. That means a lot to hear that, Gary. I just hope i do well enough to impress you...I hope you will enjoy my songs..."
Gary shakes his head, resting his arm around the back of the bench. "I'm sure I'll love them. No surprise there. What exactly have you gone for on this album? Not turned into a robot have you?" Smugly he laughs.
"No, no." I bark with laughter. "Probably more set towards feelings... i guess in someway you could say this album is about...well...about us."
Suddenly Gary's smile fades and his eyes focus on the rain droplets bouncing against the stone slabs opposite us. "Ah, right. At least it gets the paps interest, eh?" Forcing out a laugh this time, white washes against his face, turning him almost ghost like.

"Are you OK, Gary?" Nervously i ask. "Have i done something to upset you?"
Rolling his eyes, deeply he breathes out a sigh. "No, course not. Just hope people don't start opening up old wounds."
"They will be hitting out at me. I'm the one who ended up in Rehab. I'm the one who made the mistakes causing our relationship to explode in front of me. I'm the one who tried to kill myself over all this." Feeling slightly hurt, i draw my eyes towards my glass, where the tears are being focused back.
"Wouldn't be so sure..." A whisper hits against the wind, swirling around my eardrums within seconds.
"What do you mean by that? You're safe, Gary. They won't hit out at you, you will be mentioned, of course you will. The daggers are for me, you haven't got the stupidity inside of you like me, you haven't done any of those things."
"That's we're you are wrong." Sharply he replies. "J...Just forget it..."
Squinting my eyes at the male who now avoids eye contact. "No, explain to me. What exactly have you done?"
"Mark. I don't want to talk about it. Forget it, yeah?"
"No, Gary. I wont forget it. You haven't been in Rehab, i know that for sure so that's out of the question. You wasn't the one who broke up our relationship, clearly that was me and you haven't tried to ki-." Before i even get chance to finish off my sentence, it strikes my mind. No, Surely... he couldn't...he didn't...right? "Gary...Did you?"
"Sorry." Is all he mumbles, as he teeth skim across his thumb nail for comfort. "I'm sorry, OK?"
"Why? When...? Was it because of me? It was...wasn't it?" My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach just by the thought of Gary wanting to kill himself, which was entirely down to me.

"It was a few weeks ago, its not important. I didn't end up in Rehab like you."
"Whether you ended up in Rehab or not, its important Gary. Is this some way of you telling me I'm attention seeking for being there? Because that hurts me. That's painful." Shakily i speak.
"I didn't say that did i?!" Gary partly shouts. "Stop jumping to conclusions."
"Well tell me then and i wont jump to conclusions! Stop speaking in riddles and tell me the truth. I would rather hear it from your mouth than the mouth of a stranger. What happened?"
Gary sits in silence for a minute or two as the anger continues to seep through his body. Its obvious he's been meaning to get this off his chest for a while. "I just had enough, i guess like you had. Life was painful and it still kind of is. Sitting in that house was torture. Everything reminded me of you, even down to the sodding wallpaper, the bloody smells drifting around the house and even the fucking brand of Eco friendly bog roll. The house screamed Mark Owen. It was suffocating... that's when the dizziness pulled my eyes towards the photos on the fireplace. The one of us sitting on the back garden swing- a glass of red in one hand whilst the other was wrapped around your shoulder. We set up the camera for ten seconds and it took just as we laughed into our conversation. Perfect. The other was our Christmas one. Your favourite photograph amongst many others. I remember you proudly putting it in the center of the fire place and me sulking about it."

Tears prick in my eyes over the memories. "I remember..."
"Yeah, i couldn't take it anymore, my life was crumbling around me before my family life had even began. Taking hold of the photo tears ran down my cheeks, as i carefully studied the happiness and the cheesiness spread across our faces. It was like torture, so i threw it against the mirror."

"Seven years… " I whisper with a croaky voice.
"Bad luck was the last thing on my mind at the time. All i remember then was falling to my knees holding myself as i sobbed." Gary's bottom lip shakes almost like hes going to burst into tears himself.  Nervously i lift my hand, resting it onto his back, showing my support. "Stupidly, i sliced my fingers on the shattered mirror, whilst i searched for the now creased photograph of the happy couple. Looking at the pile of broken mirror, something caught my eye. A large piece of shiny metal, but of course it wasn't metal. Lifting up the object i held it in my hands briefly. That's when thoughts violently ran through my mind. I guess i had an angel and devil on each one of my shoulders. "He breathes out a sad laugh. "Sadly for me, the devil was winning."
"D… did...you?" Glancing down at Gary's limbs, my eyes scan for any sign of scaring.
"No." Bluntly he replies, holding out both of his wrists into my view. "Didn't have it in me. I have too much to lose. I ran the jagged mirror across the veins in my wrist,  just thinking. It could all be over so quickly, the pain will stop."
"Gary..." A tear escape my eye, which falls onto his jeans. The rain pounds harder onto the roof and the wind howls.
"Anyway..." Wiping his nose with his hand, he stands up almost knocking me off the bench as he does. "I best be off... its getting late and the storm is getting worse."
"Gary, wait." Taking hold of his hand, i bring him back into my company. "Will i see you tomorrow?"
Shrugging his shoulders, he takes a deep breath. "I don't know... depends what I'm up to...why?"
"Tomorrow's Valentine's day...well technically its today...but you know what i mean..."
"Oh, yeah. So it is... bad timing when we're in a situation like this."
Gripping tighter to his hand, i look him deep in the eyes. "Maybe...maybe we could do something? I don't mean wining and dining, but a nice home cooked meal and a bad movie? What do you say?"
Gary's itching to leave, to go home and rest his head. Tonight has been rough on him, opening up to me like that and it hasn't been easy for me to listen to something like that either. "I don't know."
"Please, Gary. I promise it wont even be like it is Valentine's day... it will just be two people having a meal and a nice quiet chat about family planning... hopefully we can order some paint off the internet and start on the nursery for Hannah, yeah?" Pleading with my eyes, my thumb strokes the light hairs on his knuckles. After a few minutes of debating with himself, Gary agrees to my plans.
"OK...fine. Can i go now?" We exchange a quick hug and a peck on the cheek before making our way back inside.
"See you about 6 ish?"
"See you there." Is the last thing Gary says as he walks to his car.