Chapter 47

Mark's POV

Thumbing through the sheets of paper containing black and white ink, softly I smile over at the female who stands with her back facing me. "Any plans for today, Yaz?"
"I'm off to be see some of my work colleagues later on, thankfully Rob's taking Ellie off my hands for a few hours."
Quivering my brow, the pen rests in the corner of my mouth. "I thought Rob had to go away for a few days, that's why he left yesterday?"
"Oh yeah he has, but that doesn't mean he's not allowed to come home before and after interviews. He's not a prisoner, Mark." She chuckles whilst serving up the bacon and eggs onto a plate, followed by a spoonful or two of baked beans. "What have you got planned today?"
"Well I need to fight through this bloody paperwork if I have any hope in this solo period of promotion. Man, where's Gary Barlow when you need him, eh?" I joke, which is soon replaced by a miserable grin.
Silently, Yasmin sighs, before plonking down the plateful of food in front of me. "Well for starters you can get this down you. And secondly you can make plans with Rob to take Ellie and Callum to the park. It will be good for two Daddies to spend some time together."
"But-"
"No buts. You're not hiding away from the world by killing yourself with paperwork. I'm sure Callum would love a trip to the park...to spend more time bonding with his Father before that evil cow comes back onto the scene."
"Yeah..." Is I'm able to mumble under my breathe, as carelessly I shuffle together my papers.
"Besides...Rob has had a solo career since before Christ. I'm sure he could help you with a tip or two." She winks, before sitting down opposite me at the table, nursing a steaming cup of tea. "We're all here for you...Just like we are for Gary." Tapping the top of my hand, faintly she smiles into my direction.
Breathing a soft sigh of relief, gently I nod at my friend. "It means a lot. Thank you..."
-------------

"What time do you have to get back to the hotel?" Lifting Callum back into my arms, using my free hand I carry the small rucksack containing the child's belongings.
"Erh not until a good few hours yet. Work is a bloody killer sometimes." Robbie glances around the crowded park for a quiet spot.
"Uh, yeah tell me about it..."
"Lets sit under that oak tree over there..." He points ahead at the single tree in the distance. "Fancy an ice cream?" Playfully he taps my shoulder, whilst turning into the direction of the brightly painted van.
"Yeah...go on then, not like I care about my figure lately." I smirk.
"Take Ellie and get comfortable, I won't be a sec." Doing as he says, with Callum still in my arms I push Eleanor's pushchair over towards the tree. Once underneath, Instantly I start to feel better by the nice cool shade, sun and me is never any good. Pulling out the picnic blanket from under the pushchair neatly I spread it underneath the tree, before carefully resting Callum onto his pillow.
"Wanna come out too, Darling?" Looking over at Eleanor who is still strapped in her pushchair, eagerly the toddler nods her head in excitement, as she sees Robbie walking over to us with hands full of melting ice creams. "You're covered." Shaking my head with Eleanor in my arms, Robbie now stands in front of us.
"Well what do you expect, argh I'm sticky." Handing over a cone, it drips down my hand. "Here, I got Callum a small one."
"Cheers." Licking around my ice cream, I stop it from over flowing. "What some mate?" Running my finger around Callum's smaller cone, my finger slides inside his mouth, allowing his tongue to lick off the white cream. Robbie sits beside us feeding Eleanor hers.

"Nice this isn't it?" Robbie's first to break the silence after a long five minutes. Holding Callum's blue rattle in my fist, softly I breathe out a sigh.
"Uh huh...sure is..."
Handing Eleanor her pink pacifier, Robbie shifts closer towards me. "I know what you're thinking." My eyes are mesmerised by the plastic toy in my grip, listening to the beads move around, as Callum lightly smiles up at me.
"I don't know what you mean..."
Rolling his eyes, he unhands the child's toy from my fist, placing it in on top of Callum's stomach. "That you wish I was Gary?" Opening my mouth to speak, to argue against it, my words sink back down my throat.
"I don't...mean to offend you Rob but-"
Lifting his hands, a grin forms at the corners of his mouth. "Its fine, honest. I mean no offence to you either, but I'd much prefer that you were my wife. I mean...er...not that I want to marry you and for you to change sex, but I'd rather be out spending time with my daughter and wife. Although I am happy that we are spending time together..." The conversation soon turns messy and extremely confusing.
"I get you Rob." Reassuring him with a pat on the arm, I release a laugh at his flustered face. "We both prefer to be with our partners and children. Of course we do. We're in the same boat at the moment." Glancing down at my Son, deeply I sigh, every time I think about Gary running away after everything which was discussed just adds another crack to my heart.
"He will be back, Markie." Suddenly my thoughts are stopped, by an arm wrapping around the back of my neck. "He has to be back. He has a loving boyfriend and unborn daughter in his life. Gary's no fool, he knows exactly what's important in life."
"Yeah...its just the not knowing part which hurts. Why would someone say all those things if they didn't mean it? We've both suffered and I thought that we could lay that to rest and get on with our lives, being a proper family to our children."
Robbie sits in silence for a few minutes, absorbing my words and possibly hatching up a plan. "You know...maybe instead of keeping all these feelings to yourself...maybe you could get them out of your system by writing them down?"

Furrowing my eyebrows at the younger man, miserably I smile. "Its a good thought, but what's the use. No one will read them and if I wrote them down to Gary then they would probably end up in the bin, he wouldn't want to hear my anger and self pity."
"Then don't let him see. I know exactly how you're feeling, I'm in the wrong too, but self pity and anger is part of human nature. When Yasmin threw me out over my affair, I wrote my thoughts out. I went straight onto my laptop and opened a new email addressed to Yasmin-"
"You sent it her?!" Looking shocked at him, quietly he smirks.
"Do you really think I would be breathing if I sent her that email? No, of course I didn't, but seeing it addressed to her made me feel better once I bashed through the keys typing out my message. Once I had finished and re read it about a million times, I deleted it. Erased every single word, then closed my laptop. After that email containing my thoughts, my mind felt fresh and that's when it showed what was really important in my life. My little girl and my wife."
"Really? It doesn't sound like a bad idea...at least it will help me release some of these feelings so I'm not going completely insane..."
----------------------------------------------
Sitting in front of the laptop, my fingers tap against the keys. "No, no, no." I grunt, frantically hitting the backspace button. "This is pointless." Speaking to myself, I can't even write a simple email. Words circle my head and continue to deflate my heart, but I just can't seem to write them down, to finally get them off my chest. I love Gary to pieces, of course I do, but with his abrupt disappearance without breathing a word before so, brings even more negativity into this relationship and for the first time I'm not going to sit back, or grin and let him walk over me. Taking a deep breath, finally I build up enough courage to write this email.

"Dear Gary, remember me? That's right, its me, Mark Owen. The one you were engaged to. The one who you said you loved. The one who you said you wanted to start a family with and to get back on track, to spend the rest of your life with. I guess those words didn't mean a thing, seeing as you decided to flee after once again leading me on. Do you really hate me that much that you want to completely crush me? Did you even care about me? Even care that I wanted to kill myself, because I didn't think I could cope without you in my life? I guess that's what you probably want me to do now, is it? I've apologised until I run out breath. You're not the only one suffering from all this. You've beat me, left me for dead and here I am continuing to run after you, to love you and care about you no matter what was said or done. Why can't you do the same? All I want in my life is my children, yes children, both of them and of course my boyfriend. If I were in your shoes and you had a child behind my back, yes I would be hurting and to be honest I would of probably lashed out at you too, because those things are unforgivable, breaking trust is truly unforgivable, but life is too short. It would take time, but in that time I would want you in my life no matter what. No matter how much I screamed that I hate you, I wouldn't be able to live without you either. My heart feels numb without your arms wrapped around my body. There's a deafening ringing of silence buzzing around my ears without hearing your voice and a chill down my spine constantly by not feeling your lips making contact without mine. Do you understand how much you mean to me? I could go on all night, but would there be any point? At the end of the day, I love you more than what you do or have ever done for me, that's clear now. It felt like a kick in the teeth when you left so sudden, right after you poured your heart out to me, saying you want us to try again, yet here I am, alone and heart broken whilst you're off god knows where. You haven't even bothered to send me a text letting me know you're OK...Just one simple text would of done. You said you were going to take Hannah away from me once she was born, but here I am...by her side if anything goes wrong, whilst you're being selfish probably sunbathing on a white beach. Leaving your own child behind. At least she knows which Father cares about her. I'm tired of fighting. Tired of crying myself to sleep and tired of breaking my heart over you. I never thought I would say this about you...ever...but...the way I'm feeling right now...makes me wish I never met you. Never fallen in love with you, because this is truly painful and I can't go on with living a life like this..." With shaky hands, I pull them back towards my tear stained face. Dropping my head backwards, I let out an exhausted sigh. The words have finally escaped and right now I feel sick. I can't even bare to re read the email, some of the things I've written already I regret them.

"Mark?" A distant voice calls from downstairs. Edging away from the bright screen, I shuffle to the direction of the bedroom door, wiping away my loose tears.
"Yeah...?"
"Callum's been sick, mate. Can you come and give us a hand?" Glancing back over at the laptop, I slide through the open door. Skipping down the stairs, there's a feeling inside my body which hits me and I can't explain. Maybe Robbie was right about the email...it feels like I can breathe again after all of these months. Painting on a smile, I retrieve Callum's clean clothing from the radiator, before walking into the kitchen.
"Everything OK?" Peering my head around the door, three heads turn into my direction. Robbie walks over me, leaving the two children in their high chairs.
"I was just about to ask you the same question... you've seemed to of perked up a little...something happened?"
Smiling at my friend, quickly I lift the half naked little boy into my arms. "I wrote the email. You're right...I'm feeling a lot better. For the first time... It feels like I don't need to force out a smile or to hide my feelings."
"That's great, Markie!" Beaming at grin at me, he reaches the baby bath from underneath the table, before boiling the kettle for me.
"I know... and at least I still have this little handsome chap in my life..." Stroking Callum's cheek with the back of my hand, happily I breathe out a sigh.
"Awh, cheers Marko. You know how to flatter a man." He winks cheekily at me over his shoulder, whilst filling up the bath with the water.
-------------------------------------
After bathing and re dressing Callum, both children are sound asleep in bed. Well...after an hour's worth of stories being read, they finally are asleep. Once Robbie leaves to go back to the hotel, Yasmin's now in the shower after her day out with friends, releasing a yawn, I close the bedroom door. Maybe its time to fill out some more forms and paperwork, before I get some shut eye of my own. Wriggling the keypad of my laptop using a single finger, promptly I type the password of my laptop back in. The welcome screen appears and a browser remains open. Scrunching up my lips at the site of the link, confusion fills my face. Am I losing my mind? I can't remember sending any paperwork off. Callum had been sick, so I went straight down, the paperwork is still on the bed. Crossing my leg, I pull the machine onto my lap, there's no point sitting around waiting for it to come back to my mind. Hitting the sent link of my email, it opens a set of emails which I've sent from this email address. Reading down them, my eyes freeze to the top one which was sent two hours ago. Email sent to : G_Barlow_71@Gmail.com < Today - 20:37pm> Clicking open the email, my jaw drops in horror by the sight of it. "N...n...no." Heavily I breathe, feeling sickness tighten my throat and my heart increase in beats. Someone has sent Gary the email. The email containing my thoughts. This is going to ruin my life if he reads it.