Chapter 42

Mark's POV

I've been laying here for a while now. Laying here listening to the world go by and the day get shorter in every hour. Its not everyday i wake up in the arms of my lover, Gary Barlow. Well certainly not after my exposed recent secrets. Quiet snores and gentle nudges continue to make me smile in a loving way at the figure who's arms I'm securely rested in. Carefully lifting just a single finger, starting from his temple, i slide it down until i reach his chin, just brushing my finger tip against the slight over grown stubble. "Poor man." Muttering to myself, i stare at the fragile man who I've dragged to hell and back over these past months. Gary presents himself as a strong independent man who can fight every problem which is thrown at him, but deep down its just for show, deep down he's as weak and vulnerable as any other human being. Gritting my teeth, sharply i breathe in an intake of air. Knowing i was the cause for the end of our relationship still kills me inside. The last thing i ever wanted to do whilst living on this earth was to purposely upset the man of my dreams. Scanning around the living room, which has empty pizza boxes turned upside down on the carpet, empty glasses and a huge red stain in the middle of the carpet - from Gary's red wine of course. The mess drives my OCD insane, but right now isn't the time to be fretting around the house tidying it, I've been longing for this moment again, the moment of being in Gary's arms. My eyes fix on the clock which sits in the middle of the fire place. Already its 5 to 12 in the afternoon. I can't remember staying asleep for this long, ever since our break up I've had trouble sleeping, mainly to do with my thoughts whilst trying to do so or the constant occurring nightmares when i finally do decide to doze off.

Suddenly i feel myself being lifted. Gary's knee pushes into my stomach, whilst his arms tighten around the middle of my back. Widening my eyes over his actions, i feel my legs dangle down as my shins rest on his kneecaps. What on earth is he doing? Surly he's got to be dreaming? My questions come to an abrupt stop, as i feel myself fall against the man's chest. "Ow!" I hiss quietly, as our noses make a forceful contact. Prodding the end of my nose with the palm of my hand, it begins to throb slightly. Looking down at Gary again, I'm pretty sure it hurt him more than me, noticing the redness appear on the bridge of his nose, although he still hasn't woken. Sucking the roof of his mouth, it makes a type of clicking sound, the sound which shows that he's in a comfortable relaxing sleep. Crawling up his body again, my hands wrap around the back of his head, where i nuzzle my lips against his neck. Feeling the smoothness of my lips against his neck, he releases a quiet sigh of relief. Maybe its his way of telling me he's enjoying it? Hutching myself up on his chest, my finger tips begin to explore his face. The mornings i use to spend, stroking, kissing and falling in love with that face, it doesn't feel real, everything which has happened between us these past few months doesn't feel real. Gary's lips twitch, catching my full attention. What i wouldn't give just to kiss those lips, I've been craving them ever since i left this place. Moving my face closer to Gary's lips, i feel the warmth of his breath leave the small gap, breathing against my slightly unshaven cheek. His breath sends tingles throughout my body, so relaxing yet in some sort way its a turn on.

Panting a little faster whilst being in this situation, my stupidity takes control, causing me to ever so lightly brush our lips together, merely making contact. Gary still doesn't move a muscle from my new actions, which gives me more hope. Repeating my previous moves, i bring my lips into even more contact with the older male's, this time slower and longer. A faint smile forms on his face, barely noticeable, but being this close, my eyes are drawn to it. Seeing his smile brings happiness and confidence to shoot into my body. Waiting a minute or two i stare at his face. Things have been going pretty well, especially last night. Will a kiss really ruin everything? Its wrong... i know, but Gary doesn't seem to be fighting me off and its not like I'm holding him down or anything. After a short debate with myself, my instincts take over. Pressing my lips as gently as possible against Gary's, my hands rest against his cheeks. Its not even been a minute since our lips have connected, before i feel Gary's lips answer the kiss. During our moment my heart rate increases, as Gary's hand strokes the lower part of my back whilst i lay on his stomach. He's still half asleep, seeing his eyes closed and his weak movements, but he has to know what's happening. My tongue strokes against the gap leading to the inside of his mouth, taking it a step too far, my tongue enters, exploring his mouth and tongue. Suddenly, it all comes to an end sooner than expected. The sound of flesh on flesh echoes in the living room, as i spin and fall off the bed. A stinging feeling throbs on my left cheek. "Bastard!" Loudly a voice curses above my head.

Gary's POV

The figure peers up at me whilst i sit up in bed, with the duvet draped around my legs. Mark holds his hand against his burning face. "How could you?!" Hissing through my teeth, i rip back the duvet revealing my fully clothed body. "How could you take advantage of me like this? Was this your plan all along?!" His eyes widen by my shouts, acting as if he's a frightened child.
"N...no...no...of course not-"
"Liar! You're nothing but a liar, Mark Owen! You really think i wouldn't notice you sliding your tongue in my mouth?" Anger builds up in my body, causing me to automatically clench my fists, whilst making my way over in his direction.
"G...Gary...p...please...i got the wrong end of things... please..." Noticing my clenched fists, he claws against the wall, trying to get away from me. Focusing on the fear in his eyes, he hides his face in his hands, which knocks the anger from my body. I've never seen Mark so scared before, swallowing hard, it feels like I've swallowed a box of razors seeing Mark's hands shake against his face. It almost like he's expecting me to beat him. Like its happened before. I'm a monster. Walking over into the hallway, weakly i grab hold of his suitcase. Mark remains on the floor, as i drop it beside him. Dizziness swirls around my aching head, possibly my hangover kicking in.
"G...Go...I...I want you...to go..." Softly i whisper with a shaky breath. Watching me through the gaps in his fingers, he knows any second now I'm about to crack. Removing his hands from his view, he stares into my eyes.
"Gary..." Quietly he whispers.
"Please..." I stop his speech by rising my hand into his direction. "Don't. Just don't speak. I don't know how much more of this i can take."
Resting on his knees, he shuffles over to me. "Gary, look at me." Ignoring his demand, my eyes fix up towards the ceiling, holding back the tears. "Please...i know you're hurting... talk to me. I'm sorry, i know i shouldn't of done that. It was stupid of me, i wasn't taking advantage of you... it was...it was a moment of madness...i guess. Just please... I'm begging you." Closing my eyes, i shake my head lightly.
"Get up..."
"Gary-"
"I said get up!" My voice turns into a yell, as i grab hold of his arm, practically dragging him out of the living room.

Surprisingly, Mark is stronger than what i thought. Reaching the door frame of the living room door, i feel myself being pushed against the wall. Mark tightly clings onto my shirt, as the tears start to stream down his face. Its almost like he's a mirror, reflecting exactly how I'm feeling. "Gary!" He whimpers, as his bottom lip trembles. Pressing my hand against my sweating forehead, it feels as if its exploding, causing fall to my knees, where i begin to break down. Mark immediately drops to my level. "Oh, Gary. Come here... come here, mate." His arms wrap around my shaking body, feeling his tears drip down the back of my neck.
"I...I...I'm... so tired..."
Mark presses his forehead against mine, whilst the palms of his hands trace my spine, trying to calm me down. "I know you are, Gaz. I know..."
"I...I...I can't do this anymore...I can't live a life like this...I...I just don't want to be me anymore...God, I'm pathetic..." Deeply i sigh, allowing my tears to drip down my cheeks.
"No, Gary." Mark says sternly. "You're far from pathetic. Please don't talk about yourself like that."
"Its true!" My voice cracks slightly. "I know its true. Seeing the fear in your eyes...it just...it just...sent me over the edge. Am i that bad? If i couldn't be a good boyfriend to you, what hope do i have being a good father? Tell me that, Mark." Mark doesn't breathe a word, instead he continues running his hands up and down my back. "See...i knew it."

"What's the point in me telling you over and over again why you're not pathetic? You wont listen when i disagree with you and tell you how much i admire your strength and kindness along with god knows what else i love about you. If you didn't listen when i constantly use to tell you when we were in a relationship, what use will it be telling you now?" Gently his hands stroke against my face, letting my head rest on his fast beating chest, whilst we remain on our knees on the floor. Listening to what he's said, i know he's right, but i can't agree otherwise he'll know he's right. "...How about a coffee?" Sliding my tear stained face up his covered chest, i nod in agreement.

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Mark stands with his back to me, whilst stirring in the sugar into each one of the mugs. Playing with my fingers, i watch his movements with my heavy feeling eyes, as i continue to sit at the table opposite to him. "Here we go." Mark finally breaks the silence by placing one of the steaming mugs in front of me.
"Thanks..." Faintly i smile, wrapping my hands around the mug almost immediately for comfort. Blowing away the steam, Mark begins sipping his coffee, looking slightly tensed in front of me. "How's...How's Yasmin and Rob?"
" They're OK..." He clears his throat. "...Still not really talking as much, obviously, but they're OK. I think they're trying to avoid one another in case of arguments due to what happened for the sake of Hannah. Yaz can't deal with the stress as the birth is only a couple of months away. Doc said with her high blood pressure lately and scans we could expect a premature birth..."
Swallowing hard, my eyes widen by his words premature birth. "Oh, gosh... i guess that's down to the stress which we've caused...everything will be OK, right?"
"We shouldn't punish ourselves. That's what the doctor told me when i said the exact same thing, but Hannah is in full health, little fighter is our girl." Lightly he smiles in a proud father like way.
"Yeah, she really is..."
"Everything will be OK, Gaz. If the birth is premature then we'll be there every step of the way with her."
"I...I know." Stuttering slightly, it still worries me after watching emergency TV shows which sometimes include babies and those type of births, now i regret watching them. "I just wish she could be born into a full loving family, with no arguments. If none of this happened Yasmin and Hannah wouldn't be suffering from the stress...If anything happens i will never forgive myself..."
"Nothing will happen. The doctor was certain that Hannah is completely fine and the blood levels will decrease soon enough, he was just telling us the possibilities like all doctors do, you know what they're like. And we'll make our family a loving one without the arguments...just as long as we can...work together? We can make things work when you put your mind to it..." Nervously his hand rests on the top of mine. Staring at them in front of me, after a few second, i slide my hand out of contact from his, causing Mark to quietly huff under his breath, whilst sadly bowing his head.

"...Were you happy, Mark...?" Slowly we bring our eyes into focus with one another.
Dragging his tongue across his bottom lip, at first he hesitates whether or not to answer my question. "Happy? You mean... in the band or?"
"No...as a c..couple. Were you happy the time we were together?"
"I think you know the answ-"
"After everything which has happened over the last few months, i don't know what to believe anymore. I need to hear what you have to say about the time we were a couple, before i hear the press changing your words. If you ever had regrets about us, please just tell me now."
Pushing away his cup, Mark sets his hands down flat onto the kitchen table, giving me his full attention. "Never would i regret our relationship, and do you know how much it hurts me hearing you say i could or might actually think that hurts me, Gary." Shakily, he takes a deep breath. "...I've...I've waited a long time to even get a meaningful hug from you, i use to dream about the days and nights that one day i could finally say 'Gary Barlow is mine' and thankfully, my dream came true. You're not like any other men or relationships I've had, you're something special and i truly mean that." Mark places his hand on his heart, whilst tears fill his eyes.
"Mark..."
"Please...let me finish." Brushing away a tear which manages to escape, carefully he rests his hands on the top of mine. "I didn't think i could possibly love anyone as much as i loved you...and i still do, more than anything. No one will ever replace the emptiness in my heart. You weren't only my best friend or band mate you were my soul mate, someone i want to grow old with. The day i got down on one knee i..." Unable to hold back the tears any longer, they begin to pour down his cheeks, as his hands tremble against mine. "...I couldn't of been any happier... until we found out about...about our daughter...our beautiful, healthy little girl who's growing inside of Yasmin, soon to be born to be held in the arms of her loving fathers. During my time in rehab, YOU was the one who helped me cope. YOU was the one who showed that i could do it and i did. Without having you by my side, i would of taken things into a serious matter, i wouldn't be here now, speaking to you, and i wouldn't be there for...for...our daughter... to see her being born and hold her for the first time. I...I want you back, Gaz. I want you back more than anything. I'm nothing without you. P...P...please...I'm begging you...please don't turn me away anymore...please I'll do anything you want, i know i can't fix what I've done, but i can fix our future, of us being together. If it wasn't for Hannah then i don't see why my life is worth living if i can't live it with you...please Gary... I'll beg you if you want? Look..." Nervously, Mark pulls his hands back, before crawling onto his knees towards me.

"Mark...please...don't do this to yourself... " I try and avoid eye contact with the fragile man in front of me. Glancing out the corner of my eye, i notice his hands clutched together under his chin, whilst he rests on his knees with the tears dripping from his cheeks.
"G...G...Gary Barlow... i love you more than any other man or woman I've had in my life, but now I'm begging you... begging you to take me back..." There's a few minutes silence, until i feel my bottom lip begin to tremble. I haven't seen Mark in such a state since him being in rehab and i never want to see him that way again. He should be off out celebrating for passing his entire course, but instead he's in my kitchen on his hands and knees begging for my forgiveness and love. What can i possibly say right now?